Finding Our Forever Read online

  “Lil, we’re here.” Carson taps my shoulder to notify me, interrupting my moment of reflection and self-pity. I look up to see that we’re parked at some unfamiliar underground garage. It’s dark, empty and intimidating as my eyes skim the perimeter. Eerie shadows of massive metal beams cast across a concrete path, inciting images of a shrouded Grim Reaper with his deadly scythe, ready to harvest our souls. My horrible imagination sends a terrifying chill down my spine. “It’ll just be a few minutes. We’re waiting for clearance,” Carson explains as he leans forward, away from the dark, sinister background, and into a hopeful ray of light. He grasps my hand lightly, gauging my reaction to his touch. I leave my hand in his as I catch Owen’s eyes studying my response from the shadows via the rear mirror.

  Owen’s buzzing phone slices through the muted darkness, disrupting our overflowing silent tension. “Hello,” he answers while listening with a stern expression. “Was it clean?” Owen inquires as he scurries his eyes to meet Carson’s through the rear mirror. My ears keenly absorb every spoken word, trying to filter what’s happening. “Excellent!” he exclaims with more spirit than I’ve ever seen or heard from him. “We’ll be up there in five. I’ll see you and the others tomorrow morning,” he confirms , and then disconnects.

  “I take it that we’re clear to go?” Carson verifies with Owen.

  “Yes, sir. Luke is already upstairs waiting for us.”

  Owen reaches for the handle to swing it open like a freezer door, letting the bitter November chill course in. My body shivers immediately. Noticing my reaction, Carson shields me with his arms. His warmth is inviting, making it difficult for me to resist his comfort as I nestle against him and inhale his irresistible scent.

  For a change, I’m actually anxious to see Luke. I owe him so much for all he’s done for my friends and me. If it wasn’t for him, we probably wouldn’t have made it out of there safely. My eyes begin to well up with tears again as I recall the accident from two days ago. Anxiety floods my heart, wondering how Amelia is doing. I need to find out if she’s okay. Carson better not can keep me from speaking with them or he’ll have hell to pay. I blame myself for involving them. I should’ve told them about Luke before they trustingly stepped into the SUV with me. Maybe if we all would’ve avoided the SUV, I would still be pregnant with my Peanut.

  Just flippin great!

  The fortress that’s been holding back my tears crumbles, making me a drowning disaster as I think about What if? Quickly, I smear the dampness from my eyes and face, hoping the darkness will obscure my breakdown from Carson.

  Owen steps out first and then Carson follows. Reaching in for my hand, Carson helps me out of the limo and into his warm, inviting arms again. We proceed down the eerie concrete path that I noticed earlier to enter a confined elevator that can make anyone claustrophobic even if they weren’t. There’s just enough room for three people. My heart is racing, facing all kinds of fear. The anxiety radiating from my body is so palpable that it’s impossible to conceal it. Carson gently circles his arms around my waist, allowing me to burrow my head into his chest to control my labored breathing. When the elevator stops, it opens up to a private entrance of a penthouse—Carson’s. Why am I surprised that he has a personal elevator? Owen steps out first and then signals for us to follow his lead when he sees Luke fixed in the center of an elaborate wine cellar. My grateful heart has this need to run over and give Luke a necessary hug, but I refrain. I’m not sure how he would respond to an overly touchy-feely gesture. There’s a hinting smile on his face when he sees us walking toward him.

  “Luke, I’m so glad to see you. You disappeared before I could thank you the other day.” I reach for his hand and squeeze it with sincere gratitude. His sliver of a smile grows wider. “I’m here because of you. Thank you,” I continue.

  “Yes, Luke, thanks for bringing Miss Ly safely back to me,” Carson adds with his right hand splayed on the small of my back.

  “No problem, sir,” Luke replies, wiping his budding grin away. “Before I head out, is there anything else you need?” he inquires while locking his focus on Carson.

  “No, not at the moment.” Carson addresses Luke in a resolved tone and then softens it before giving me his attention. “And you, let’s get you upstairs to find you something to eat,” he commands in a more playful tone.

  I wave good-bye to Luke and follow Carson down a hallway with wooden walls filled with hundreds, maybe even thousands, of wine bottles to a spiral staircase. This area of the penthouse is all new to me since I wasn’t nosy enough to snoop around the last time I was here. The enormity of this place is unbelievable. We climb to the top of the stairs, and it appears as if we’ve hit a dead end, facing an extensive wall mural of Tuscany in all its glory. I stand there in awe, taking in all the bright warm colors and details of a quaint countryside.

  “I flew in a local artist from Florence to paint that mural. It’s a replica of a stunning view I welcomed every morning from the window of a bed and breakfast where I vacationed,” he explains as he watches me admire the painting with appreciation. “I’ll take you there one day so you can see it in person.”

  “I’m sure it’s even more amazing in person.”

  “It is,” Carson agrees and then presses his thumb against a discrete symbol blended into the painting. A door-sized part of the wall slides clear. He guides me through the opening and I see that it leads to a stocked pantry adjacent to the kitchen. It feels like I’m in a James Bond movie with all the secretive passageways and security clearances. My mind is now completely overcome. I don’t think I can handle one more unsolicited surprise today. Carson searches for my eyes, possibly assessing my reaction to this surreal part of his life that I was completely unaware of.

  “Lil, I know this is a lot for you to grasp in one day, but…”

  “You think?” I snap, trying to hold my sanity together which is slowly loosening at the already delicate seams. After discovering that Carson is wealthy beyond anyone’s imagination, I expected our relationship would entail some challenges, but never to this extent. I think my reaction is somewhat justifiable.

  He overlooks my sarcasm to resume where I cut him off. “I don’t expect you to be okay with this. I just want you to promise me that you won’t give up on us, on me.” He draws me into his firm chest and strokes the back of his hand along my face. “I have so much more to offer you than all this complication. Once everything is straightened out, we’ll have the rest of our lives to enjoy forever,” he vows. I offer him a weak pursed smile and wrap my arms around him. “I love you, Angel.”

  “Me, too,” I murmur into his chest. He tilts my chin up to meet his lips, and I’m lost in the depth and sweetness of his kiss.

  Carson eventually releases his hold of me to remind me of lunch. “I need to feed you. All you’ve had to eat was a piece of toast from this morning. What can I make for you?” he asks.

  “Grilled cheese,” I reply with a faint grin as I fight back my worries. This is the first time in my life that my future is determined by someone else, and I don’t like it one bit.

  “Grilled cheese it is!” he exclaims. “Lil…,” he hesitates. “Um…after lunch…Dr. Laurent will stop by to check on you,” he pauses, giving me a collective second. “He’s one of the top gynecologists in Boston. I just want to make sure you’re okay.” He looks warily at me. What can I say? Carson never misses a beat when it comes to details. The last thing I need or want is to have a doctor poke and prod at my vagina, but I’m too beaten to put up a fight. I nod my head in response and then walk over to a glass window facing the pool to stare as raindrops drizzle down, mirroring the sorrow I’m feeling deep inside.

  __________

  I can’t believe Carson had Dr. Laurent’s staff set up an ultrasound machine in one of the extra bedrooms. Dr. Laurent’s bedside manner is impressive and very personable. My body automatically flinches when he squirts cool gel on my belly before pressing the probe against it. Carson thoughtfully reaches for my ha
nd and holds on to it. I think we’re both secretly praying for a thriving heartbeat as Dr. Laurent glides the ultrasound probe around, but disappointingly, there is none on the dark gray screen. I hear a soft sigh escape Carson that sounds almost like defeat. I avoid looking into his eyes because it’ll only stir up more heartache for me. With all the bleeding and cramping I’ve had, I know that I would need a miracle to keep my pregnancy. I already told myself that I wouldn’t cry again, but I can’t help it. I break down as soon as Carson walks Dr. Laurent out. Tears come fiercely while my body shudders from the pain of knowing that Peanut is really gone.

  After regaining my composure, I creep down the hallway to Carson’s bedroom which seems to extend forever. Though I know it’ll break my heart even more, there’s one room I have to see. My hand trembles slightly as it wraps around a silver handle. I crack the door open to find a barren room. My heart sinks, dragging razor blades with it, into the pit of my core. All the beautiful baby furniture is gone. Carson must’ve thought he could lessen my pain if he erased everything that reminded me of babies. It was a good attempt on his part, but it doesn’t diminish anything.

  Carson walks in from behind and circles his arms around my waist. “Please let me in. I’m here for you, Angel,” he pleads, his tone so desperate. I fail to reply as I continue to conceal my sorrow from him. I know he’s hurting because of me, but I just can’t let him in—not now. It’s better for me to conceal my heart than to unlock it. Carson would be appalled if he can see the doubts I have in us. I can’t allow it, especially after all that he’s done to convince me that his love for me is unfaltering. He lets out a sigh of defeat. Realizing my hard shell is impossible to crack, he laces his fingers between mine and persuades me to leave this vacant room. “Come. I think you’ve had enough of this place.” I turn to him and nod my head.

  The minute we enter his room, I march over to his bed and wilt my body on top of his costly linen. Several of my ribs are still aching, but tolerable. My tender eyes stare blankly up at the ceiling. Carson follows my lead and does the same thing. We lay there silently with our heads next to each other’s until I remind him of my one personal call from his prison. “Carson, I’d like to call my mom now if you don’t mind.”

  “Sure, let me get you the burner phone.” He gets up, walks over to a dresser and pulls a black phone out of the top drawer. Dropping it in my hand, he tells me, “This phone can’t be traced. Feel free to talk to your mom as long as you want. Just remind her that she can’t tell anyone she’s talked to you.”

  “Okay, I will!” I snap, irritated with all his restrictions and then regret my curt response. With a sigh, Carson steps away to retrieve his laptop, comes back and plops down next to me. How do I tell him I want to speak to my mom in private? We’ve agreed to have no secrets between us. Maybe I won’t have to. I’ll purposely speak to her in Chinese so he can’t understand me.

  I tap in my mother’s digits by memory. Nervously, I bite my nails as I wait for her to pick up. “Hi, Mom,” I greet in Chinese, my tone apprehensive, as I prepare for her explosion.

  Just as I predict, she starts off by screaming, “Lily, where are you? I thought you were dead. I tried to fly to St. Croix yesterday, but there were no flights available. The news implied that you didn’t survive the accident. Do you know what that kind of news does to a mother? Do you?” she continues to yell and cry hysterically.

  “I’m sorry, Mom. I wanted to call you sooner, but I couldn’t. Please don’t cry.” The small lump in my throat grows larger and tighter as I force back my tears. I purposely avoid looking in Carson’s direction. A single glimpse from his worried eyes is all I need to rupture into a spurting fountain of sorrow.

  “Lily, what kind of trouble are you in? Does this have anything to do with that rich man?” My mother transitions from overwhelming sadness to bitter accusations in seconds. There’s no possible way I can explain Carson to her in her frantic state of mind. She’s at least twenty times more stubborn than I am. She won’t hear a word that I’ll say in his defense. I’d have better luck talking to a concrete wall. So, for the time being, the truth must be embellished until I can calm her down. Carson and our engagement news will have to wait til a later time. Again, I’m so thankful he can’t understand a word of Chinese.

  “Mom, I’m not in any real trouble,” I fib. “I’m safe and that’s all you need to know. I…I’m not involved with that rich man,” I stutter while hating myself for lying to my mother. Coincidentally, Carson raises his brow and looks at me as if he can understand the Chinese words flowing from my mouth, making me more nervous. My guilty mind must be playing tricks on me. It’s impossible.

  “I’m your mother. I know when you’re lying,” she accuses me. “You’re in love with him, aren’t you?” she interrogates.

  “Mom, I’m not lying,” I reply, my tone unsteady. I’ve never been a good liar. I get too nervous. My shaky voice and terrified expression give me away every time. “I’m not…in love with him,” I grit my pathetic lie like it’s being dragged across a bed of nails. “Please believe me!” I exclaim. Again, Carson’s reactions tell me that he can understand me. From the corner of my eye, I can see his jaw clench firmly, contracting the muscles along there. Something is upsetting him. Maybe he’s frustrated that he can’t understand what I’m talking about. I reason to myself while trying to calm my mother down. “I’m sorry I’m failing you. I don’t mean to.”

  “Lily, whatever you’re involved with, get out of it now,” she begs. “I don’t want anything to happen to you. You’re all I have.” She sobs again, spilling unnecessary tears because of me. Damn it. I want the tormenting sound of her misery to disappear.

  “Stop crying, Mom. It breaks my heart to hear you so sad. Nothing will happen to me. I’m safe,” I assure her as I push back my doubts. Honestly, I have no idea how deeply involved I am. All the added security tells me that it’s more dangerous than I want to believe. My ability to keep lying is weakening, so I cut our conversation off. “I have to go for now, but I’ll call you again real soon. I love you. And Mom, don’t tell anyone you’ve talked to me.”

  “Why, Lily, if you’re not in any trouble?” she demands.

  “Mom, please trust me and don’t ask any more questions,” I plead with my trembling voice. I’m seconds from breaking down and exposing my ugly truth to her.

  With a resigned sigh, she tells me, “You’re a grown woman now. I’m sure you can handle yourself.”

  “I can, Mom. Don’t worry about me. I’ll come see you soon. I promise. Love you.” Defeated, I drop my head to my chest and disconnect our call. Setting his laptop aside, Carson rubs his hand up and down my back, offering his support. I know how much he wants to hold me in his arms, but my stubbornness keeps me from falling into them.

  “Lil, what can I do?” he inquires with his eyes roaming nervously at me. “I hate seeing you so upset. It’s killing me.”

  “I’ll be fine. I told her that I’m with you,” I reply with another lie—one of many. My palms begin to sweat as I avoid his questioning eyes.

  “She knows you’re with me?” he probes with doubt in his elevated tone. I nod my head quickly. “And she’s okay with that?” he pries as he studies my tenseness which is clearly apparent in my darting eyes.

  I nod my head again and hum “Uh-huh.” I need to divert his inquiries. He’s onto my feeble lie. Any second now he’ll have me singing like a canary. I’ll have no choice but to confess to him what a coward I was telling my mother of our relationship. So, in a chirpier tone, I ask, “Hey, Mr. I-ask-too-many-questions, would you mind if I call Richard and Ame? I’ve been worried sick about her.”

  “No, of course not. I’m concerned as well,” he agrees. My diversion worked. I predict that he wouldn’t object to a phone call to Ame. I’m relieved that he doesn’t push me further with questions about what I’ve told my mom. I know I’m not in the clear, but at least I bought myself a little time.

  “Can I have your phone for a sec? I
need Ame’s number.” He reaches into his pocket and hands it to me. I scroll through his contact list to see Ame’s name under M. I’m pretty confident she has her phone with her because she’s one of those people who never leaves home without one. I type Ame’s number into my special phone and wait for an answer.

  “Hello, who’s this?” Richard asks guardedly after the second ring.

  “Richard, it’s me, Lil. Don’t hang up. How are you guys doing? Is Ame okay?” My heart stalls worriedly as I wait for his response.

  Oh god, let it be good news.

  “Ame will be fine. They scanned her head yesterday , and found no severe internal hemorrhaging. They’re discharging us right now, and then she’ll come home with me , so I can keep an eye on her,” Richard updates.

  “Thank god! I’ve been worried sick,” I shriek with relief. “And how are you?”

  “I’m fine, too. I have a few bruises, but nothing major. What about you, Lil? How are you holding up?” Richard asks, not knowing that it’ll make me weep again.

  I pause. How do I tell him about Peanut without breaking down? “I had some cramping and bleeding. I…had a…miscarriage.” My eyes well up with overflowing tears that can’t be contained this time. Placing his hand on my back, Carson strokes it soothingly up and down as he watches me with his soft hazel eyes.

  “Fuck. I’m so sorry, Lil. I don’t know what to say. Oh god…,” he panics, trying to figure out what to offer to comfort me.

  “It’s over. Let’s not bring it up again,” I tell him to shut out the pain, pretending to be resilient even though it’s impossible. I’ve never been this fragile in all my life, and it’s making me feel so helpless.

  “Okay, no more. Lil…this is probably the worst time for me to break this to you…but I have to. It’s been eating me up inside since the accident. Please don’t hate me after I tell you this,” he begs.